Here I Am Again

It feels like the soul is totally out of sync with my physical self. It feels like there is no meaning to what I am doing. The frustration of not knowing if I am on the right track adds to the feeling of inadequacy. I cannot see myself coming out from the darkness of this tunnel. I just don’t see the light that tells me that there is an end to this hardship.

It is impossible for me to see my value in all of this let alone find enjoyment and fulfillment in all that I am doing. It is the toughest thing for one to go through not knowing one’s worth in the grandest scheme of things.

All I know is, I used to be on the go and excel in delivering what is expected and required of me. Now, being desk bound is akin to caging up a stallion in a small stall hardly being able to maneuver around let alone run a good race.

I want to see some output and delivery so bady. I want to take pride in solving problems, going through the journey of materializing the solution, and being able to take a step back to feel the sense of fulfillment seeing what I have created.

A stagnated journey is excruciatingly painful when I am so used to being in motion all the time.

All I can do now is sit here and cry out, “God, please tame this raging desire”.

I hope help will soon arrive because in all the quietness, I want to scream!

Lord Jesus, help me!

Soul Searching

I do not quite know where to begin. Perhaps I am an ingrate but one thing for sure, I am an impatient person. I get bored really fast. Like right now, though I have a few regrets leaving my previous job, I should count my blessings to be back in the organization.

This is the first time that I am trying to convince myself on a daily basis to what I believe is second best. “Beggars cannot be choosers” they’d say. Am I underestimating myself or I should just bite the bullet while waiting for better opportunities.

Perhaps I am allowing my past to ruin my future. Perhaps this is a phase for me to learn not to be envious of others. I really do not know.

I find myself trying to console and reassuring myself that this is life moving forward while another voice is mocking me for my poor (past) decisions.

I really wish I could live life without regrets right now but it is easier said than done.

I don’t find myself happy anymore. I have to constantly subdue that part of me that is screaming because of this lack of passion.

I keep telling myself that patience will get me through this less than desirable (perceived) situation.

A heart that is once free is really hard to tame.

I miss those long haul flights that I can be quiet alone. I miss all those on-the-go times when I can be fluid and excel at the same time.

The hardest part is asking myself what’s stopping me from achieving what I truly want in life.

After what I have been through, there is fear.

Maybe when I get better at what I am suppose to do, life will once again be better. And with the knowledge and skills acquired, there will be more doors that will be unlocked.

What is life without opportunities?

Perhaps it is time to just ride through the wave for now.

A retreat and to recollect…

Women, Please Run The World

Part of the idealistic me is hoping as well as excited to see where this gender equality movement is leading us to. Growing up through the 80s has been nothing less than exciting. We seemed to have seen everything and yet there are more to be seen moving forward.

It has been often said and sang about how “this is a man’s world”. Just look at the news on how the world has turned out in the hands of men, I cannot help but see destruction.

Acting through the nature of man, the world as we know today is filled with the product and outcome of manly traits and behaviors – hunting, dominance, killing, and survival.

Imagine how the world would be if we turn it over to women. I reckon it will be ruled with compassion and love. It will be a world of nurturing and one filled with empathy.

I am sure we address the many entities in our lives by their nurturing characteristics – Mother Nature and Mother Church to name a few. These titles were given because of how caring a mother is to her child.

Pleasing the feminists and those fighting for women’s rights is not the intent of why I am writing all these. I am merely expressing my observation and opinion how I truly believe that we will be in a better place if we have a change of leadership because of how deprived of love the world is today.

The topics that are dominating the news are usually stemmed from sex, money, power, and violence. So much so that the answer to Beyonce’s hit song “Run The World (Girls)” seemed to be none other than “SEX”! I feel that we have indeed became very savage in our approaches and intentions – almost animal like.

There has got to be a better way for all of humanity as a whole. Something’s got to give in order for us to stop the recursive blunders. A change is needed to break out of the loop.

In the words of Ezra Taft Benson in the quote below, if you replace the words Lord and Christ with LOVE, it will sum up what I have written.

ezra-taft-benson-352234

I Surrender!

I am once again at this juncture in life.

In a short 2 months, I have come back to square one. My new job did not work out.

What I have not practiced religiously in terms of all the rituals in church during Lent, I lived it out spiritually in real life.

It was one of the most challenging Lent I have had in years.

I was frustrated. Frustrated mostly with myself for making the wrong decisions. I could have avoided all these predicaments and precious time wasted being unproductive for months. As my former colleague pointed out that it seemed to be the best option at that point in time, I can only concede and agree.

There is no time to look back in regret but instead I need to push myself moving forward in rebuilding my career.

And as Easter drew near, I felt especially hopeful attending the Good Friday and Easter masses.

The message in Fr. Simon’s homily gave me clarity – “Life is not about ME, I am about LIFE”. It is hard to love in this world without getting pushed back by skepticism. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know [that they were loved]”.

Thus, I have made the decision once again to choose life. All the money in the world cannot give me joy and happiness if purpose and passion is not present.

I figured that being paid well does not compensate for how disrespectful people treat me. The constant sense of insecurity and reminder of being dispensable cannot be justified by all the compensations promised.

I do not ask for much. I only asked to be allowed to work in an environment where those around me wants to play apart in ensuring my success and as do I for them. That is how a team suppose to be because my success contributes to the overall success of the team.

Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday interview with Elizabeth Lesser inspired me greatly.

We all do learn about ourselves constantly and during the interview, the famous quote by Hazrat Inayat Khan was mentioned. It made me realized that we are indeed uncovering the veils to reveal that original soul of ours.

Elizabeth’s definition of religion and spirituality was spot on – “Spirituality is the questions and Religion is the attempt to answer them”.

Like everyone else, I am searching for the “best fit” in life. But we’ll never know unless we try. Indeed, mistakes are the proof that we are all trying. It is not promised that everything will work out but if they don’t, I am sure there are valuable lessons in them.

Aren’t we all looking for a brighter tomorrow?

As the break of dawn brings new light, so does hope begins…

May you reign victorious just as Jesus reign victorious over death.

Blessed & Happy Easter!

Thought Process

Career change has proven to be quite stressful for me at the moment. I guess that is common when there are disruptions to the usual routines and flow in life.

I cannot say that I feel uncomfortable throughout my first week. I got a lot done as required by the checklist. I felt at ease and have no issues getting my way around. That is a plus.

In terms of interactions with those around me, I must say that I can do with ease.

The only issue I have is the overwhelming feeling caused by expectations from not only those around me but most importantly, from myself.

I realized that there is a fine line between pushing oneself forward or feeling sorry for leaving behind the comfort of knowing and familiarity.

It is very easy to fall into self pity and regret. That needs constant reminder the reasons for change in the first place.

I need to focus and constantly remind myself that I have the capability and where there are shortcomings, I will be able to learn. Else, I will not be given this opportunity in the first place. Only that time could be the challenge. Then again, all of us have the same number of hours a day.

I guess we tend to be harder on ourselves more than anything else.

I need to be this and that in the next 2 months. We can imagine the destination and want to skip the journey – that’s what instant gratification does to us.

The journey could be lonely and treacherous. Many have fallen to the enticement of shortcuts.

We often face life alone and sometimes with some help.

Afterall, it is Lent when we are a little more aware of our predicaments just so we can practice a little more self-denial.

Lost Boy

Important note: TRIGGER WARNING

I am not sure how long YouTube will allow the following video to be on their server, but please thread forward cautiously. It is Robin Williams’ documentary entitled “Come Inside My Mind”.

At some point, this documentary brought me back to a particular moment in my childhood. It must have been the darkest moment of my life as a kid. It was such an awful experience that I could actually hear that voice telling myself that “you do not matter, you are nothing”. From that moment, I actually gave up and lost myself.

As a result of that and since then, my mind has been conditioned that pleasing others and seeing them happy is my life’s top priority. I kept yearning that acceptance and always ensuring that I did my best to please those around me. On the flip side, it was very hard for me to trust people and I was always suspicious of people’s intention. I started to not only keeping scores with myself but with others as well. There seemed to be a built-in gauging system and I beat myself up for someone else’ unhappiness.

When it comes to people who made positive impact on me as a person, I have found myself to be dependent on their thought process and ideals. I also yearn for their affirmation and acceptance all the time. Thus, I often find myself motivated to appease them by acceding to their demands, delivering my best, and be the best that I can be for them.

But it gets tired sometimes and I’ll be lying to myself if I say that I didn’t feel like giving up.

I have been trying to figure out the sadness that I have been experiencing every now and then for the past few months. It wasn’t until I heard the words of Robin’s son Zak in the documentary that it began to hit home.

He said and I quote:

“His pathos was seeking to entertain and please. And he felt when he wasn’t doing that, he was not succeeding as a person. And that was always hard to see because in so many senses, he is the most successful person I know. And yet he didn’t always feel that.”

What he said applies to most of us who have become too dependent on the approval of others that we have totally lost ourselves. In the fast paced world, I felt it most when I immersed and poured myself entirely and completely into my job. I found it hard to adjust whenever there were some downtime. I felt that I wasn’t valuable, contributing or being productive.

Through that, I have learned to be generous with my praises when people do well and always make it a point to acknowledge people so that they know that at least someone took notice and they matter.

I am slowly learning to come to terms and forgive myself. It is not easy and I am definitely a work in progress like everyone else. The best place to start is knowing that we are not alone.

Even though people do not usually say it out loud, each and every one of us matters to at least someone out there.

It is like looking out the window to see the moon thinking that we are all living under the same stars, moon, and sun. And if you grew up in the 80s, you will be reminded of the song that goes…

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight,
Someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight,
Somewhere out there someone’s saying a prayer,
That we’ll find one another in that dream somewhere out there…

~Somewhere Out There (An American Tail, 1986)~

Moments

Mindfulness to me is living in moments. While some moments last longer than others, I believe that each teaches us something about us and our lives. Our likes and dislikes can be reflected by how we react to each moment. I sometimes imagine our mind being a roll of film and our eyes the lenses on a camera capturing every moment of our day.

These captured moments become embedded and etched into our mind as memories that we cherish, fear, and sometimes yearn for whenever we experience certain sight, smell, or sound that reminds us of them.

The behemoth of moments we experience in life forms us as unique individuals that sets us apart from each other. Very often, not every moment is interpreted the same way. It really depends on our focal point within the composition of what our eyes perceive.

The beautiful thing about moments is how we can be creative in the interpretations. Whether the cup is half full or half empty so to speak.

And my wish for you my friend, is that you’ll always have many pleasant and meaningful moments in this life’s journey.