Uninspired

I wish that I could see where the road of life is heading for me. I am just suppressing my true feelings just to take it a day at a time. Like many before me, I feel like a fake.

But how can you not have a part of you that is fake when it is what you need to be in order to sustain your livelihood.

Job satisfaction is hard to come by. Trust me as I had been in the best fit and is now finding myself in “the grind”. It has became just a job.

I live each day coping and hoping that I will see better days. But of course, compared to many, it seemed to be a good life that I should not be complaining about.

I just want things to get better and sometimes it is too much to ask.

How can we ever get clarity on life when all the energy we have is spent on what is right in front of us?

Is this all there is to life?

Where do I begin again?

Here I Am Again

It feels like the soul is totally out of sync with my physical self. It feels like there is no meaning to what I am doing. The frustration of not knowing if I am on the right track adds to the feeling of inadequacy. I cannot see myself coming out from the darkness of this tunnel. I just don’t see the light that tells me that there is an end to this hardship.

It is impossible for me to see my value in all of this let alone find enjoyment and fulfillment in all that I am doing. It is the toughest thing for one to go through not knowing one’s worth in the grandest scheme of things.

All I know is, I used to be on the go and excel in delivering what is expected and required of me. Now, being desk bound is akin to caging up a stallion in a small stall hardly being able to maneuver around let alone run a good race.

I want to see some output and delivery so bady. I want to take pride in solving problems, going through the journey of materializing the solution, and being able to take a step back to feel the sense of fulfillment seeing what I have created.

A stagnated journey is excruciatingly painful when I am so used to being in motion all the time.

All I can do now is sit here and cry out, “God, please tame this raging desire”.

I hope help will soon arrive because in all the quietness, I want to scream!

Lord Jesus, help me!

What is humanity?

“Faith in humanity restored”

I get chills when I read this. This is the stupidest statement in the world. It is like organic vegetables selling at a premium price when all vegetables should be organically grown in the first place.

What has the world become?

A friend of mine is now jobless only after 2.5 months working at his new company. Knowing the person he is, there is no way that he did not perform well with his calibre as stated on the termination letter.

It was clearly a case of biasness on the part of his manager.

This human element of things is getting out of hand. It no longer matters if you are high performing. If you are not favored, it is the end of the line for you.

There will be no sense and rational decision if you are not well liked by the people around you.

Is that how we are made?

We now need to go the extra mile to be kind to one another just so that we can restore someone else’ faith in humanity?

But taking a shit is like second nature to all of us so why can’t we do the same with empathy, kindness, love, respect, and compassion?

I don’t believe in “what goes around comes around” anymore. This going round and round has got to stop.

Soul Searching

I do not quite know where to begin. Perhaps I am an ingrate but one thing for sure, I am an impatient person. I get bored really fast. Like right now, though I have a few regrets leaving my previous job, I should count my blessings to be back in the organization.

This is the first time that I am trying to convince myself on a daily basis to what I believe is second best. “Beggars cannot be choosers” they’d say. Am I underestimating myself or I should just bite the bullet while waiting for better opportunities.

Perhaps I am allowing my past to ruin my future. Perhaps this is a phase for me to learn not to be envious of others. I really do not know.

I find myself trying to console and reassuring myself that this is life moving forward while another voice is mocking me for my poor (past) decisions.

I really wish I could live life without regrets right now but it is easier said than done.

I don’t find myself happy anymore. I have to constantly subdue that part of me that is screaming because of this lack of passion.

I keep telling myself that patience will get me through this less than desirable (perceived) situation.

A heart that is once free is really hard to tame.

I miss those long haul flights that I can be quiet alone. I miss all those on-the-go times when I can be fluid and excel at the same time.

The hardest part is asking myself what’s stopping me from achieving what I truly want in life.

After what I have been through, there is fear.

Maybe when I get better at what I am suppose to do, life will once again be better. And with the knowledge and skills acquired, there will be more doors that will be unlocked.

What is life without opportunities?

Perhaps it is time to just ride through the wave for now.

A retreat and to recollect…

Gratefulness

When you lose everything in life, anything is better than nothing. Beggars cannot be choosers they’d say. I am indeed at the rebuild stage once again. It is good to start anew and perhaps to learn new things.

The hardest part is giving up all the business travels that I am used to. A price I have to pay for making the wrong decision.

But I still have life and as long as I have life, I can strive to make it better. It will be bad only if there is no inspiration and aspiration. In the next few years, life will show me what I am truly built for.

I want to be able to travel and see new things again. That needs opportunity and chances.

As it is, the world is changing.

While my heart yearns for adventures again, I guess the best thing to do now is be grateful for all that I have and decide to be happy.

Just like love is a decision, so it is with happiness.

I hope you are happy today…

Afterlife

Where we go after death is perhaps the biggest mystery and question that we will never be able to answer with conviction and certainty.

This week has been exceptionally tough having to juggle between the challenges that comes with parenthood and an aunt losing her battle to cancer. And as the title of this post suggests, I am going to write about the latter.

My aunt has been constantly fighting cancer for the last 9 years and her current prognosis does not look good. It is really the end of her life here on earth. I cannot help but to think about the spiritual side of her situation.

I am convinced that heaven and hell are nothing but state of mind. If a person dies without much regret, he or she will probably crossover to something blissful while if a person dies with a lot of ill feelings like anger and regret, he or she will probably go to a “harsher” place. But I must first point out that knowledge plays a pivotal role in the deciding factor which image our state of mind will be the moment one breath his or her last.

In other words, if a person has always been shown beautiful images that are reinforced with what is heavenly throughout his or her life, most likely that will be the destination after death.

At the same time, I thought about the above quote that has been shared on social medias. It is true because we always emphasize on the degree of death as though there is a scale to be rated against. It is as though someone is conducting a survey with the question “Please rate your death experience (1 least enjoyable to 10 very enjoyable). But if we think about it deeper, it is a question we are in fact asking ourselves – the living experiencing the death of people around us. For us, a person who struggles before his or her last breath died a suffering death (rated 1 on the scale) as compared to a person who died in his or her sleep (rated 10 on the scale).

And coming back to the one dying, I realized the importance of a reasonable and practical religion. If I am in the position of advising someone about choosing a religion, I would recommend them to research and take into consideration how the religion in question handles the topic of death and afterlife. Some religion provide the dying with the last rites. This can be very comforting and help the dying to have a better state of mind towards the end of the journey here on earth.

As I prepared myself to visit my aunt this week, I was thinking about how I can provide her with comfort in hopes that her crossover to after life would be filled with a better outlook. So I started researching about her religion and how it gives hope to its followers.

Not mentioning the name, I was shocked to know that their blueprint is built on the beliefs that there is a cap and limit as to the number of souls allowed in Heaven – 144,000 to be exact! My first question was, “SAYS WHO?!”.

In all honesty, if someone told me that heaven has limited space, I am going next door where they tell me that everyone is welcome in heaven.

Just imagine dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. Naturally, the rabbit sees the motivation to run. Telling someone that heaven has limited space is akin to dangling an invisible or non-existent carrot in front of the rabbit. It is a hopeless situation because knowing that one is not counted or mattered at his or her deathbed is an excruciating painful experience. A feeling of rejection, dejection, and unloved.

Besides, with such a low number being set, it has long been filled up don’t you think?

I take pity on people who have subscribed to such doctrine but take my hats off to those who came up with such an ingenious idea that has brainwashed thousands of unfortunate people to keep such organizations alive till this day.

It is a great disservice for a religion to shortchange its followers in the currency of hope. The most fundamental and reason for the existence of faith is to comfort and console the soul. If a religion does nothing in line of being one’s soul food, it has no reason to exist.

I cannot help but to feel sad how differently people represented the divine. Humans has successfully created so many versions of Jesus that like at the end of His journey at Calvary, He was disfigured beyond recognition.

The good Samaritan only have one thing in him when he helped the victim of the brigands. That is LOVE.

The God that I believe in has insurmountable, immeasurable, and infinite LOVE that cannot be contained or be limited.

The best way to comfort both the living and the dying is through LOVE.

Tell the dying of the beautiful place that they are going to. That their run in the race here on earth is done. That God is waiting on the other side.

A beautiful place filled with LOVE awaits.

What is there to lose just to LOVE a little more?

What have we to lose when someone we love is dying?

At the very end, there will be NOTHING.