Here I Am Again

It feels like the soul is totally out of sync with my physical self. It feels like there is no meaning to what I am doing. The frustration of not knowing if I am on the right track adds to the feeling of inadequacy. I cannot see myself coming out from the darkness of this tunnel. I just don’t see the light that tells me that there is an end to this hardship.

It is impossible for me to see my value in all of this let alone find enjoyment and fulfillment in all that I am doing. It is the toughest thing for one to go through not knowing one’s worth in the grandest scheme of things.

All I know is, I used to be on the go and excel in delivering what is expected and required of me. Now, being desk bound is akin to caging up a stallion in a small stall hardly being able to maneuver around let alone run a good race.

I want to see some output and delivery so bady. I want to take pride in solving problems, going through the journey of materializing the solution, and being able to take a step back to feel the sense of fulfillment seeing what I have created.

A stagnated journey is excruciatingly painful when I am so used to being in motion all the time.

All I can do now is sit here and cry out, “God, please tame this raging desire”.

I hope help will soon arrive because in all the quietness, I want to scream!

Lord Jesus, help me!

What is humanity?

“Faith in humanity restored”

I get chills when I read this. This is the stupidest statement in the world. It is like organic vegetables selling at a premium price when all vegetables should be organically grown in the first place.

What has the world become?

A friend of mine is now jobless only after 2.5 months working at his new company. Knowing the person he is, there is no way that he did not perform well with his calibre as stated on the termination letter.

It was clearly a case of biasness on the part of his manager.

This human element of things is getting out of hand. It no longer matters if you are high performing. If you are not favored, it is the end of the line for you.

There will be no sense and rational decision if you are not well liked by the people around you.

Is that how we are made?

We now need to go the extra mile to be kind to one another just so that we can restore someone else’ faith in humanity?

But taking a shit is like second nature to all of us so why can’t we do the same with empathy, kindness, love, respect, and compassion?

I don’t believe in “what goes around comes around” anymore. This going round and round has got to stop.

Soul Searching

I do not quite know where to begin. Perhaps I am an ingrate but one thing for sure, I am an impatient person. I get bored really fast. Like right now, though I have a few regrets leaving my previous job, I should count my blessings to be back in the organization.

This is the first time that I am trying to convince myself on a daily basis to what I believe is second best. “Beggars cannot be choosers” they’d say. Am I underestimating myself or I should just bite the bullet while waiting for better opportunities.

Perhaps I am allowing my past to ruin my future. Perhaps this is a phase for me to learn not to be envious of others. I really do not know.

I find myself trying to console and reassuring myself that this is life moving forward while another voice is mocking me for my poor (past) decisions.

I really wish I could live life without regrets right now but it is easier said than done.

I don’t find myself happy anymore. I have to constantly subdue that part of me that is screaming because of this lack of passion.

I keep telling myself that patience will get me through this less than desirable (perceived) situation.

A heart that is once free is really hard to tame.

I miss those long haul flights that I can be quiet alone. I miss all those on-the-go times when I can be fluid and excel at the same time.

The hardest part is asking myself what’s stopping me from achieving what I truly want in life.

After what I have been through, there is fear.

Maybe when I get better at what I am suppose to do, life will once again be better. And with the knowledge and skills acquired, there will be more doors that will be unlocked.

What is life without opportunities?

Perhaps it is time to just ride through the wave for now.

A retreat and to recollect…