I am starting to think that this pessimism in me is beyond help. It scares me sometimes to realize how negatively I look at everything in life. As I seek to understand the reason behind this outlook on life, it is scarier to tell myself that if it was caused by external factors, it would be the same wherever I go. Has living a highly stimulated and high strung life caused much damage to me psychologically?
I found myself feeding on the need to get things done to gain some sense of fulfillment and a day doing nothing is a day wasted so to speak.
Another weekend is coming to an end and I have not done much except lazing around entire day. After a long nap in the afternoon, I woke up feeling really crappy. So I am going to try dissecting which event has triggered this undesirable feeling.
I had earlier in the day read about some wonderful initiatives taken by another country for their youths and had compared that against what has been done where I live. Knowing very well the way things are done here made me felt very disappointed knowing the outcome would be mediocre at best. Just too much and depressing to dwell in. It was on that note that I laid myself down and rested for a few hours.
Many have suggested looking at the bright side of things and having had seen very nice places, I just cannot find myself to change my perspective. I absolutely dislike this feeling of being stifled just because the majority prefers status quo instead of progress.
In such situation, I guess the best question to ask is one of those “what if’s” questions. What if I was given all the opportunities and assistance needed, what would I be doing? And taking away all the negative assumptions, will I be able to achieve great things in life?
After all, it was me trying to seek clarity that I started scribbling (typing, really) my thoughts onto this blog post. I have learned that by penning down my thoughts that I will be able to see the challenges a little clearer. And the next step is to break the huge challenges into smaller chunks to be addressed accordingly.
I see that one of my problems is expecting progress to be achieved collectively as a community. I worry too much about moving forward too fast and at the end of the day needing to pull myself back to fit in to the majority’s pace. I do hope that is just what I perceive and not truly reality. It is also possible that I tend to set “unreasonable” expectations for myself and people around me. It really is difficult to live such a life not getting the support one needs. The worst feeling in the world is not being able to confide in someone who truly understands what you are going through.
I guess idealism has got the best of me…