I really need to snap out of this! I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. I guess it is a snowball of feelings accumulated overtime. I am not too sure what is triggering it. While I was back at my parents’ house for the past 2 days, I cannot help but to feel really sad because the house was so empty. There isn’t anyone except for my little baby daughter and me.
This was home for me for the past 26 years and for it to be so empty, I felt a major void in it. Apart of me really misses it. The essence of it wasn’t there and there isn’t any soul in it. I went through a lot of emotions when I was growing up in it back then. The sad and happy emotions from the past seemed to have came together in a huge mass and was hitting me at full speed. I am definitely devastated. I really needed a day just to recuperate from this hurtful state. I am not even sure if I am feeling the void for having lost my grandpa recently. That is the hardest part – to figure out what is wrong.
I was walking around the neighborhood in the morning and I cannot help but to feel really out of place because of all the changes. I remembered very clearly how each and every house were before we moved out of the neighborhood. I miss my morning walks with my dogs (they too aren’t with us anymore).
My parents are both busy looking after my newborn niece at the moment and without their presence in the house I guess that is the main reason for the void. For every home, there has got to be a soul in it.
I just couldn’t stand being in that empty house again so I decided to come back to my own little quiet crib to do things I really like doing for example doing the chores and have breakfast at a restaurant nearby.
I grew up in an environment where both my parents are always around. They work on their own business from home and it has always been 100% quality family time. Mom and dad sacrificed a lot just to be with us but I just can’t say the same for my daughter right now. I do wish to stay home and spend all the time with her but that just can’t happen with this crazy rat race.
My life is some how repetitive at the moment. Sometimes I rather wish I was dead but that is just too selfish. I just need to reinvent myself, an evolution of some sort. I need to break this habit of going round and round. I need to think out of the box.
Well, my time alone is coming to an end soon. As I look forward to search for my purpose, I am still trying to figure that part of my life out.
Why must we fight so hard for our rightful self worth I wonder. And I wonder what my life is really worth too!
This is a much needed rest for me, but while I have the time, I just can’t quiet down this wild heart of mine. It has been conditioned to be restless to a point that it is hard to tame it.
When will I ever find the peace in my heart?
Lord, please take these anxieties away.