Staying Afloat

There has been many ups and downs the past 6 months. All the changes and stress brought about great anxiety and depression. I was really glad that I was able to seek help in time and now, things has been under control.

It has always been breaking out of the thought process for me. I believe this is the same for most suffering from mental health issues. We tend to spiral into this oblivion and get stuck in a loop.

Sometimes it is the distractions and keeping oneself busy that we are able to break out of that vicious thought process. The idle mind is the devil’s playground they’d say.

Many things can offer a new perspective. Doing something different is a good start. Albert Einstein did define insanity as doing the same thing expecting different results.

The recovery process takes time like everything else in the world.

As the year end approaches, there has been many movies being released. One of those are Frozen 2. Many of us dread the sequels to movies because very often they are not as good as their predecessors. Like many, I received a mixed review of Frozen 2 but went ahead to watch it with the family anyway.

[Spoiler Alert]

“The Next Right Thing”

The gist of the movie is the inspiration Anna provides for the down trodden and those faced with challenges in life. I felt that the creator of the movie has really put a lot of thought to bring about consolation and offer solution to a common problem faced by humanity today.

Most of us especially those battling mental health issues can relate to what Anna has to say/sing about overcoming predicaments.

“You are lost, hope is gone, but you must go on and do the next right thing” is the statement that sums up the entire movie for me.

Often times, we are not able to envision where life is heading to. We cannot change the past and the future is yet unknown. All we can do is take a day at time by doing the next right thing.

I hope you’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel if you are currently facing challenges in life.

We all need to heal somehow…

Uninspired

I wish that I could see where the road of life is heading for me. I am just suppressing my true feelings just to take it a day at a time. Like many before me, I feel like a fake.

But how can you not have a part of you that is fake when it is what you need to be in order to sustain your livelihood.

Job satisfaction is hard to come by. Trust me as I had been in the best fit and is now finding myself in “the grind”. It has became just a job.

I live each day coping and hoping that I will see better days. But of course, compared to many, it seemed to be a good life that I should not be complaining about.

I just want things to get better and sometimes it is too much to ask.

How can we ever get clarity on life when all the energy we have is spent on what is right in front of us?

Is this all there is to life?

Where do I begin again?

Here I Am Again

It feels like the soul is totally out of sync with my physical self. It feels like there is no meaning to what I am doing. The frustration of not knowing if I am on the right track adds to the feeling of inadequacy. I cannot see myself coming out from the darkness of this tunnel. I just don’t see the light that tells me that there is an end to this hardship.

It is impossible for me to see my value in all of this let alone find enjoyment and fulfillment in all that I am doing. It is the toughest thing for one to go through not knowing one’s worth in the grandest scheme of things.

All I know is, I used to be on the go and excel in delivering what is expected and required of me. Now, being desk bound is akin to caging up a stallion in a small stall hardly being able to maneuver around let alone run a good race.

I want to see some output and delivery so bady. I want to take pride in solving problems, going through the journey of materializing the solution, and being able to take a step back to feel the sense of fulfillment seeing what I have created.

A stagnated journey is excruciatingly painful when I am so used to being in motion all the time.

All I can do now is sit here and cry out, “God, please tame this raging desire”.

I hope help will soon arrive because in all the quietness, I want to scream!

Lord Jesus, help me!

What is humanity?

“Faith in humanity restored”

I get chills when I read this. This is the stupidest statement in the world. It is like organic vegetables selling at a premium price when all vegetables should be organically grown in the first place.

What has the world become?

A friend of mine is now jobless only after 2.5 months working at his new company. Knowing the person he is, there is no way that he did not perform well with his calibre as stated on the termination letter.

It was clearly a case of biasness on the part of his manager.

This human element of things is getting out of hand. It no longer matters if you are high performing. If you are not favored, it is the end of the line for you.

There will be no sense and rational decision if you are not well liked by the people around you.

Is that how we are made?

We now need to go the extra mile to be kind to one another just so that we can restore someone else’ faith in humanity?

But taking a shit is like second nature to all of us so why can’t we do the same with empathy, kindness, love, respect, and compassion?

I don’t believe in “what goes around comes around” anymore. This going round and round has got to stop.

Soul Searching

I do not quite know where to begin. Perhaps I am an ingrate but one thing for sure, I am an impatient person. I get bored really fast. Like right now, though I have a few regrets leaving my previous job, I should count my blessings to be back in the organization.

This is the first time that I am trying to convince myself on a daily basis to what I believe is second best. “Beggars cannot be choosers” they’d say. Am I underestimating myself or I should just bite the bullet while waiting for better opportunities.

Perhaps I am allowing my past to ruin my future. Perhaps this is a phase for me to learn not to be envious of others. I really do not know.

I find myself trying to console and reassuring myself that this is life moving forward while another voice is mocking me for my poor (past) decisions.

I really wish I could live life without regrets right now but it is easier said than done.

I don’t find myself happy anymore. I have to constantly subdue that part of me that is screaming because of this lack of passion.

I keep telling myself that patience will get me through this less than desirable (perceived) situation.

A heart that is once free is really hard to tame.

I miss those long haul flights that I can be quiet alone. I miss all those on-the-go times when I can be fluid and excel at the same time.

The hardest part is asking myself what’s stopping me from achieving what I truly want in life.

After what I have been through, there is fear.

Maybe when I get better at what I am suppose to do, life will once again be better. And with the knowledge and skills acquired, there will be more doors that will be unlocked.

What is life without opportunities?

Perhaps it is time to just ride through the wave for now.

A retreat and to recollect…

Everything Needs Time

Finding it difficult trying to put into context my thoughts regarding the different timelines of lives in general.

Browsing through the bookstore and looking at the many “self help” books especially those that promises a certain financial freedom makes me a little frustrated.

I am kinda sick and tired of people who talks or writes at their level knowing very well that their achievements are quite unattainable for a great majority of people. Don’t get me wrong as I am not against successful people. I am just angry at how they discounted and failed to emphasize that TIME was a major factor to their success!

By ignoring the time factor, these “successful” people fueled instant gratification and sent out a false impression that one do not need to work hard and invest valuable time to nurture/sharpen their skills. What we usually see is only the fruit of the labor and not laborious work behind it.

If a self-help writer pens down all the struggles through the time taken to achieve success, the book will bore its readers to death. Naturally people do not want to read of the struggles because we all want to feel good from the first page to the last.

On the other hand, seeing a younger couple getting married helped me put things into perspective. That everyone needs to put in the time to journey through life. Being married earlier or later does not mean we are either ahead or behind others.

There is a time for everything and anything.

Perhaps when you read or hear of someone talking at their incomprehensible level, be consoled that the understanding will come at the right time. Not your fault, because that person has forgotten that he or she was once you at where you currently are…